To Be Without

Originally posted on Facebook, by Maggie Slighte on Wednesday, June 27, 2012 at 11:47am ·

To Be Without
 

It begins again….IMG_20140422_153121_485
To be without.
The most DRAMATIC time “without” in my current memory was in West Palm Beach Florida about 2 months ago.

Safe to say, I am not good at budgeting the $950 pittance I receive at the beginning of the month from Social Security. Still, there are those who criticize every monetary decision I make.

I tend to give everything I have away… and I enjoy doing so. I don’t intend to stop THAT anytime soon.

Some ask why I don’t apply to programs for those who need cannabis but have little cash. It is my opinion that there aren’t enough of these programs to support those who need cannabis to cure their cancer. I don’t have cancer. They should come first. I have a dear friend who has stage IV kidney cancer. No one gives him meds. When he isn’t healthy enough to grow, or his disability income can’t cover a gram of meds….he vomits for days without stopping. When everyone in his condition has meds, THEN I MAY think of myself. Probably not.

I would LOVE to go back to earning over $4k a month, if I physically could, or even THOUGHT I could, I would “go back to work” in a MOMENT!

Then a morning like this comes along, and I know why I am not “at work”.
I struggle with the disability idea.
DIS-abled.
YES, there are many things I can’t do. The MAIN thing I don’t seem to have succeeded in, is the “dependable employee” idea.
How can I be “dependable” when I don’t know if I will be vomiting in the morning from my stomach issues, or because the pain level is higher than I expect? I look forward to “working myself off of disability”… the first book is about 1/3 written.

Routinely, no matter WHERE I am, I awaken with pain in my lower abdomen, lower back and GI track. On a scale from 1-10, it tends to be around an 8.5 on an average day, about an hour after I awaken.
Then I smoke. Or I don’t.  When I don’t, and also have no tincture (it helps the pain even better than smoking), I end up apologizing for my words and actions.

How do I get to the point where I can control the words and actions of my pain? I look forward to that enLIGHTEnment.

Until then, I will drink my peppermint tea, and look for something I can sell for a couple bucks….and dream of a day I have a garden full of ALL herbs!!

Love and Lighte.

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