The Silence Before the Storm

From Feb 15 through Feb 22, I did my level best to “shut up.” For once, I believe I was successful. Almost too much so. In the past year, I have stopped talking on the phone, preferring to text over talking. My Facebook posts have been nearly my sole form of communication with not only new friends, but also my close friends and family. On February 15, 2012, I stopped posting.

When I first started being quiet, I frankly didn’t understand why I was doing it. It was a conscious choice, but I didn’t really know why I was making it.

There was a point that I was a bit depressed, but it was almost more of a physical hibernation and allowing my body to heal. I had contracted a cold the day before my daughter’s birthday. It weighed heavily in my chest, eventually causing a mild infection deep in my lungs. I felt compelled to shut not only my body, but also my brain, down and hibernate. I guess I was attempting to allow my body to heal the best it could, without allowing my conscious brain to interfere.

The fact that Valentines Day, also my son’s birthday was the 14th, actually forced me to be a bit more social than I truly wanted to be, but once the loneliness of that day passed, I was done wanting to communicate. The physical circumstances I was living in were a source of humor for all around. Who chooses to stay with their EX boyfriend during mid February?

Yes, I have been staying with my best friend, who everyone knows as my ex-boyfriend. Frankly for the past 2 years, he has been the person who has listened to my every secret, CAUSED, but also comforted MANY of my tears. He isn’t who I am having a relationship with, but having been the person who I allowed closest to me for almost 2 years, he understands me the best right now and the idea of having to defend my decision to stay with him exhausted me.

He is my best friend.  While I was sick, I felt I needed the security of knowing I didn’t have to worry about my dog or what needed to be done, I could rest. I knew he would take care of me, by leaving me alone to take care of myself.
Yes, it would have been nice to have someone to take care of me. But that wasn’t about to happen during this period of time. I needed to do it myself. But I didn’t even know what I needed. I just wanted everything to stop so that I could think.

I have been uncertain. Nervous about the next few steps that I see myself taking. Overwhelmed a bit by the road ahead, yet doing my best to resist every urge to self-sabotage my goals.

So, instead of broadcasting every little ache and pain of a lonely February, being single yet being surrounded by people who loved and cared for me(coming from my background; that is a TOTAL mind fuck, by the way) while I nursed an aggravating cough and intermittent fever; I chose to completely “go quiet.”

For almost 2 days, I not only abstained from communicating on my favorite medium, but I also didn’t journal. This part was not a good thing. I had been making a point of journaling daily since the beginning of the year, but I suppose I just wanted to ignore the fact that those few particular days existed. I rested. I only came out of my friends’ room to make tea, go to the bathroom and briefly say hi.

During those first days, I thought I may have been depressed. I decided to impose an “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all” rule on myself. It resulted in several days of introspection and healing. Not that I planned it, but I am considering that decision fairly logical when I consider the journey on which I am embarking March 20th.

The “Maggic Tour to Overgrow the Government” is beyond anything I have attempted before. It requires a faith in my fellow travelers as well as a faith in those who are supporting the journey. I can not do it alone. I know it needs to be done, I know we need to make this trip and I am willing to give everything I have, financially, energetically, intellectually and spiritually towards it.

I know that we need to make this trip, but I have not acquired even a fraction of the material needs of this journey, and I needed to contemplate the enormity of the situation before I could come close to articulating it to others. I may be close. Close enough, and my body and brain have healed enough to begin to come out of my self-imposed hermitage.

To those who love and care about me, and follow me, I do apologize. It wasn’t meant to hurt anyone or discount anyone’s caring for me, I just needed to look inward for a change. I do love my friends and “fans”… but I needed to rediscover the Maggic. Love and Lighte. 

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